Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
