My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
