Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
