dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
