there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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