For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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