We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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