Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
