After last night, I could never be a politician.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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