It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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