I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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