Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
