He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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