I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Holy sore nipples Batman
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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