I should be sponsored by Trojan
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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