hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
