I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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