Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
