How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
