1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
