you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize