Cold hands, warm shart.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
