what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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