There is no way he is gay with that hair.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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