Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
