Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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