closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
