I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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