Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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