the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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