She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
