sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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