tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
She swung at the pinata with crutches
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
