I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
