peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
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