Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
