i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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