I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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