considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
