dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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