So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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