so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
