I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
