I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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