Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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