I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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