I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
