I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
