woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
