woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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