In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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