he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
