The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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