i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
