my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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