meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
