turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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