We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
