Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Randomize
