one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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