theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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